Taylor Swift made it no secret: Her latest album Midnights would explore the things that keep her up at night, and that “self-loathing” can be amongst them. The third track on Midnights tackles the topic head-on, albeit in Swift’s signature cheeky, relatable style. In lyrics like “I’ll stare directly on the sun, but never within the mirror / It should be exhausting, all the time rooting for the anti-hero,” Swift addresses the popularity that has shifted beneath her feet since she first burst onto the country scene in 2006—and the mental health journey that’s proven crucial to managing it.
Swift spoke to Vogue in 2019 about how she handled the blow to her public image in 2016, following Kim Kardashian’s infamous Snapchat videos detailing Swift and Kanye West’s conversation surrounding his song “Famous” and its lyrics about Swift. “A mass public shaming, with hundreds of thousands of individuals saying you might be quote-unquote canceled, is a really isolating experience,” Swift said. “I don’t think there are that many individuals who can actually understand what it’s wish to have hundreds of thousands of individuals hate you very loudly. Once you say someone is canceled, it’s not a TV show. It’s a human being. You’re sending mass amounts of messaging to this person to either shut up, disappear, or it is also perceived as, Kill yourself.”
Swift continued, “I noticed I needed to restructure my life since it felt completely uncontrolled. I knew immediately I needed to make music about it because I knew it was the one way I could survive it. It was the one way I could preserve my mental health and in addition tell the story of what it’s wish to undergo something so humiliating.”
Swift ultimately released the 2017 album Repute detailing her feelings on the time. But “Anti-Hero” seems to revisits those emotions with the angle of additional years: She discusses the nights in her profession when depression overwhelmed her, in addition to her fear that her outsized public stature might damage relationships with those she loves—perhaps, on this case, Joe Alwyn, her boyfriend of six years. (The 2 began dating in the autumn of 2016, when Swift felt her popularity was at its worst.)
The song incorporates lyrics like, “Midnights develop into my afternoons / When my depression works the graveyard shift / The entire people I’ve ghosted stand there within the room” and “I shouldn’t be left to my very own devices / They arrive with prices and vices / I find yourself in crisis I’ve realized all this time / I get up screaming from dreaming / At some point I’ll watch as you’re leaving / Cuz you bought uninterested in my scheming / For the last time.”
Below, read the total “Anti-Hero” lyrics, together with just a few contextual notes. Take heed to the song below, too:
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I actually have this thing where I become old but just never wiser
Midnights develop into my afternoons
When my depression works the graveyard shift
The entire people I’ve ghosted stand there within the room
Swift ignited and/or endured quite just a few public feuds earlier in her profession (including with West, Katy Perry, and others.). Within the years since 2016, the singer has kept a significantly lower profile—and has been involved with substantially less drama within the news.
I shouldn’t be left to my very own devices
They arrive with prices and vices
I find yourself in crisis
I’ve realized all this time
I get up screaming from dreaming
At some point I’ll watch as you are leaving
Cuz you bought uninterested in my scheming
For the last time
These lyrics seem to deal with Swift’s fear of losing Alwyn. Nor would this be the primary time the artist has detailed such worries: Other examples include “Call It What You Want” (“I recall late November, holdin’ my breath / Slowly I said, “You don’t need to avoid wasting me / But would you run away with me?”) and “Delicate” (“This ain’t for the most effective / My popularity’s never been worse, so / You need to like me for me” and “Is it cool that I said all that? / Is it too soon to do that yet?/ ‘Cause I do know that it’s delicate”) on Repute. Even other songs on Midnights seem to deal with this anxiety, including “Snow on the Beach,” which features lyrics including, “I can’t speak afraid to jinx it / I don’t even dare to wish it.”
It’s me, hi, I’m the issue, it’s me
At tea time, everybody agrees
I’ll stare directly on the sun, but never within the mirror
It should be exhausting, all the time rooting for the anti-hero
Sometimes I feel like everybody is a horny baby
And I’m a monster on the hill
Too big to hang around, slowly lurching towards your favorite city
Pierced through the center, but never killed
Did you hear my covert narcissism evenly disguised as altruism
Like some form of congressman
Here, Swift seems to nod toward critics of her political involvement (or lack thereof), in addition to those that’ve interpreted her charity acts as mere PR moves.
I get up screaming from dreaming
At some point I’ll watch as you are leaving
And life will lose all of its meaning
For the last time
It‘s me, hi, I’m the issue, it’s me
At tea time, everybody agrees
I’ll stare directly on the sun, but never within the mirror
It should be exhausting, all the time rooting for the anti-hero
I actually have this dream my daughter-in-law kills me for the cash
She thinks I left them in the desire
The family gathers around and reads it and someone screams out
“She’s laughing up at us from hell!”
It’s me, hi, I’m the issue, it’s me
It’s me, hi, I’m the issue, it’s me
It’s me, hi, everybody agrees
Everybody agrees…
It’s me, hi, I’m the issue, it’s me (I’m the issue, it’s me)
At tea time, everybody agrees
Everybody agrees
I’ll stare directly on the sun, but never within the mirror
It should be exhausting, all the time rooting for the anti-hero
Alyssa Bailey is the senior news and strategy editor at ELLE.com, where she oversees coverage of celebrities and royals (particularly Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton). She previously held positions at InStyle and Cosmopolitan. When she’s not working, she loves running around Central Park, making people take #ootd pics of her, and exploring Recent York City.
Lauren Puckett-Pope is an associate editor at ELLE, where she covers film, TV, books and fashion.
